Back in the saddle, so to speak. I've been very overcome with emotions this week. From good to bad, happy to sad. It's been quite the rollercoaster but I think I have, mostly a handle on myself. Old anxieties have crept up from the crevices of my mental filing system to test me once again. Although my legs have been like jelly, my hands shaking uncontrollably I've got through these recent bouts of panic. My Endo seems to have settled again which is great cause for happiness. It really does feel as if my body is fighting back to regulate as much as possible and after all these years of treatments and side effects I am absolutely thrilled to have some sense of normailty. I have been using some relaxation techninques I've learned over the past few years and also meditating.
Yesterday I was going through old paperwork, deciding what to keep and what needed to be thrown out. I stumbled upon a gag present of a giant lollipop that I know to be at least four years old. Unopened but still, I was turning into a bit of a hoarder. So the clearing out and cleansing process was begun. There were a few minor stings, one in particular caught me by surprise. I stumbled upon a pair of booties I had bought some years ago. They are still in the bag with the receipt. It's strange the things you forget about and yet the effect they can have on you when you find them. It got me thinking. I'm not where I thought I would be at twenty-eight but I'm not doing badly either.
The past two weeks I have been really unwell. I had quite a bad chest infection and was on antibiotics plus the Endo flare. I then had three cysts burst on my left ovary. It completely drained me of all energy. I couldn't concentrate on studying. The information was out of my head the moment I read it, nor could I go out because I physically couldn't move due to the pain. I fell twice. The first time I got a nice whollop on my cheekbone, thanks to Arnica cream and tablets though I didn't bruise and the redness is pretty much gone now. The second time I just grazed my hand but my head took a nice bang. Other than that I've been doing as I was told. Heavy bleeding=elevated legs=plenty of fluid=iron=rest. The formula the hospital always drilled into me. When you have chronic pain like this some days are inevitablly worse than others.
It got me thinking of the whirlwind this year has been so far. I look at the calendar and wonder where the months have gone. I'm at a completely different place than I would have thought even six months ago physically and mentally. It's been like coming up for air (corny, but it's the only way I can think of explaining it). I've been through some changese and since this year's Endo March I've found greater support and understanding and have reached many more people with this blog than I ever thought possible. I think really what I'm trying to say is that I am grateful. For every one of you who read this, whether you've been with me from the start or have just begun the journey yourself. For my very understanding family and friends, my Mum and Bobi especially. For my boyfriend, who from the beginning, when we were just friends would read my blog and has never made an issue of my Endo. I know I f**k up sometimes. I can be an awful scatterbrain. I get overwhelmed by emotions and sometimes zone out into my own thoughts.
I have weaknesses, flaws and I'm going to make more mistakes long before I'm through here but I am grateful for the wisdom I have gained through each life experience. My tastes have changed of course. I'm learning each day and will never know enough to satisfy myself. I have promised myself though to make the most of each good day because you never know what tomorrow will bring. I feel spiritually I am finding my centre, a place where I feel connected and at ease with my beliefs. My curiousity leads me to seek out answers that most likely aren't available to me and yet I'll still look. It's about the adventure. A wise woman in the form of my Mum has a saying "what's for you won't pass you". It's become something of a motto for life really and it's a nice positive way of thinking about things.
