I digress. I want this post to show really how positive I feel both mentally and physically at this very moment in time. There are several contributing factors to my attitude. I've mended friendships, begun new ones, strenghtened bonds and am in a loving relationship. I've also let some people go, woken up to alot of bs and I think, as corny as this is going to sound, grown as a person.
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Until now. It's been a very long and bumpy road, from first symptom to diagnosis and at times I have literally broken down not knowing if I'll ever feel pain-free, ever conceive, ever have a somewhat "normal" period (not one that lasts over 13days), ever have times where I can forget about my illness and just live. Just be me. Not the girl who has Endo and can't move because she's in such extreme pain or is so tired from blood loss that she has no energy or is going through depression because it's all just too much.
I have lost friends because of my illness. They would reach their limit of asking me to go out for coffee, or a movie, even just a chat and I would be crippled with pain. But, me being me I didn't fully explain what was going on with me because I didn't want them to look at me or treat me like I was sick. In truth, I was afraid if I told them about my Endo that they would walk away. Turns out the joke was on me. Not telling them realised my fear.
Over the years I have found my own coping method as I suppose everyone does given any difficult situation. I have had relationships. Some lasted quite a time, some were very brief. I remember having "the talk" with each boyfriend. When you are dating for a period of time and things get serious, naturally you start sharing your ideas for the future. I always felt it best to explain my illness early on, be up front and get it out there. This, I felt would avoid me getting in too deep. (I have a really terrible fear of being hurt due to past experiences. I'll deal. It's a work in progress). Especially as there's a huge question mark over my fertility. They all reacted well; mainly because they didn't fully comprehend what I was telling them. "Oh you have bad periods? Doesn't every girl?" Eh, not like this. All of them at some point later on would come to me and want further discussion which of course I was happy to oblige. That's when the talking would get serious. I remember one guy actually looking it up on the internet the evening after I told him and then ringing me with a list of questions asking me about all of my symptoms so he could check them off one by one and suggest treatments for me. He was not a qualified Doctor and became a bit too controlling. It was too full on for me but probably his way of coping. Needless to say that ship sailed a long time ago.
As I got into my twenties and began serious relationships the topic of having children would occur. I would flat out shut this down. I realise now it was out of complete fear, after having gone through fertility treatment last year and trying to conceive for the previous three I know now that I was terrified that if I allowed myself to want something that much, to even think something positive could come out of this situation that my heart would be broken.
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Of course I never talked to anyone about how I was feeling or I would have known the rationale of the situation. There are other options and getting stressed is not exactly going to help me out. My life became consumed about getting pregnant. It was, period, intercourse, ovulation tests, pregnancy tests, negative, period, repeat. You get the idea. Then the fertility medication (Clomid) came into play. This, for me was a horrendous experience. Because my ovaries were being over-stimulated I was subject to side effects. The mood swings were uncontrollable. Happy and laughing one minute, crying the next. Physical pain from both ovaries reduced me to bedrest for days, sometimes weeks. It was unbearable.
I came to think; "I can't do this. How can I look after a baby when I'm in this much pain?" I decided to stop trying, to come off the fertility medication and to focus on rebuilding myself. I've realised that for me having a child is not the be all and all of the world but having a quality of life is defintiely a good place to start. I have been fortunate enough to have a good support network and a few really good solid friends who have stuck with me. I am grateful each day for these people in my life because when the bad days come you certainly do find out who's actually willing to be there for you.
I'm feeling much better now than I have in years and the only things really that I've changed are my relationships, my attitude and ok maybe my hair. Do I know how long this reprieve will last? Of course not! But while I'm feeling this good I intend to make the most of it. The next time I have a bad day I'm going to look back on this and remember this very moment where I'm typing in my favourite spot in my apartment, my coffee's gone cold, dishwasher is clanking in the background and my boyfriend's brother Olly is over for a visit. We stayed up last night and shared some white wine and a lot of laughs. The previous night my Bobi stayed over and we watched American Hustle and sniffed each other's nails. Also last week my Bobi and her friend visited Rodney and I in our apartment. I cooked, we had some drinks, listened to music, joked laughed and even had a little sing song. All pain-free.
As always love to my beloved Endo Sisters.
XxxxX
