It was a delayed reaction to the diagnosis definitely. I had just turned eighteen when I was diagnosed with severe Endometriosis through a laparoscopy. I also had laser surgery but the Endo was too extensive and too close to other healthy tissue that the surgeons decided to take a conservative approach taking into account my age. The original reason I was have the lap performed was due to the fact that there appeared to be a cyst on my right ovary that had doubled in size within eight weeks. The "cyst" turned out to be Endometrial tissue. Once they put the scope in it became quite clear why I had been in so much pain for so long.
The rest of that story is for another time. I digress. Getting back to my point. I hit my emotional wall hard. I felt like I was losing control of my body. I was nineteen and having hot flashes, mood swings and basically going through a menopausal state thanks to the GnRh analogue that I had been put on. I tried add-back therapy in the form of Livial medication but this just didn't work for me.
I lost a lot of self-confidence due to the hot flashes. I would have to run out to buy extra tops on my lunch breaks at work because my tops would feel so uncomfortable after the flashes. You feel like everyone can tell there's something going on with you, like you have a flashing neon sign above your head.
I then started suffering chronically with insomnia and I stopped eating correctly. I locked myself away from friends and to an extent my family. I knew they were concerned and I did talk to them. But I was always too aware that when I was in pain they suffered along with me because there was nothing they could do for me so I did do my best to stay strong for as long as I could.
Don't get me wrong it's not all doom and gloom. Having Endo isn't a death sentence but it is a tough invisible illness that women go through and more and more women are suffering from it and don't even realise it.
But no one tells you about the depression. Well no one told me to expect it. I thought I was losing my mind. I am generally an upbeat, positive person but all of a sudden I felt trapped inside my own head under this dark cloud that I couldn't seem to climb out from underneath. Everything became bleak in my world. I had to cancel plans with friends and family due to the severe pain I was in, that was nothing knew. But now coupled with the side effects from the medications and then the surgical procedures, healing times, people who are important to you or who you feel are important to you start pulling away because they cant handle being around you on bad days, when your having flare ups.
It makes you feel worthless, helpless, weak. In short, a failure. You feel like some part of your position as a woman has been taken away. That you've somehow done something to cause this. Logic goes out the window and these thoughts fester and feed that cloud and before you know it you are in a bad way with your mental health.
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