A smooth sea never made a skillful sailor.

memegenerator.net

Sleep is overrated right? I did manage to drift off around 3:00 a.m but then woke up just after 4:15 a.m and could not sleep. I had a pillow under my legs as they kept cramping all night. My calves are literally so sore when I'm moving. Even having then elevated my ankles hurt and then the spasms shoot straight up  my calves. Then there's the thigh pain. Literally, a lot of people don't realise the other aches and pains that get triggered when you're having a flare up. My shoulders feel like I have a bag of potatoes strapped to my bag, especially between the shoulder blades. Tender breasts, not to mention a lovely heat rash under them which I'm currently staving off with  Zinc Oxide.

To keep with my promise I made this year below you'll find three photo's of me over the course of this morning. Honestly, I've had a little cry because the pain has just floored me. My back, pelvic area, ovaries, abdomen, just everything is so sore. I'm hoping that this all just means that my body is still regulating itself as I am off treatment at the moment.

Feeling completely overwhelmed 8:00 a.m

Meltdown over. 

Exhausted and fed up 9:15 a.m

Please, I just need a little break 10:43a.m

OK, I had to take a break there. Using my breathing techniques after I had a little outburst. Sometimes, although I try to stay positive in my mind my situation just drowns me so releasing that energy and letting it go rather than bottling it up is the best way I've found to deal when this happens. It's not a regular occurance because I do tend to let things build in my head (which I'm working on) but dealing with it, just recognizing the emotions I feel is a much healthier way of coping.

So I am once again partially horizontal, attempting to study but honestly can't concentrate. Irritated and frustrated but I am reminded time and time again that it's only temporary. Just like a storm this too shall pass.
Meanwhile, I will read, try to nap and hope I feel a bit better later on. Looking forward to seeing my Mum this evening. The weather is looking good enough for a BBQ and of course the World Cup final is on. Mum is up for Germany, Rodney Argentina so that in itself will be entertaining for me.

Summery blue toenails. Cramped and swollen legs elevated now.

My wonderful boyfriend Rodney is starting his holidays today and I'm looking forward to spending some quality time together. I don't care if it rains.

Wishing you all a lovely, restful Sunday. Love to my endo Sisters and thank you for all of your kind words and support.

XxxX

Even the orchid has an Endo face...

pinterst.com

During the night the pain began. Slowly at first, just a small ache. Nothing to moan about. Gradually, the pain increases. I can feel it right down to my ankles which are now swollen. I elevate my legs for a time before attempting to go about my day. I think I manage pretty well, getting study done, some household chores and I even manage to gett my wall art up before I start feeling that overwhelming tiredness. The fatigue appears as if from nowhere, yet I know it's been building. My legs are sore and my ovaries are beginning to pull. It's time to get my water, pillows and a nice cup of tea. I settle in, as comfortable as I can get and manage to write up an assignment.

ladycarehealth.com (I'll let you know if this works for me)

As I am writing this post I am somewhat horizontal, packed up with pillows and cushions to keep my legs elevated (courtesy of Rodney). Dinner has just been made, which I can't even eat because I'm so bloated and uncomfortable there just isn't any appetite there. A movie "Afterlife" (fairly decent) is about to go on before we watch Brazil -v- Holland (I've a soft spot for the Dutch) play for third place in the World Cup, which of course they win.I have taken painkillers of course but we're all used to our usual merrigoround with Endo. Keeping myself calm and trying to remain relaxed is the key for me here so the pain doesn't take hold.

strikerno9.blogspot.com

Hoping to have a BBQ tomorrow, with my Mum coming over to watch the final game of the World Cup with us (Germany -v- Argentina, Ozil -v- Messi,) I've promised Rodney I'll cheer for Argentina although if Ozil does score I will be quite pleased. Let's hope it's a fair and intersting game.

Being completely restless I decided to watch "Cracks" after falling in love with Eva Green as you do when you watch Penny Dreadful.

thegeekiary.com

I must say she's only continued to get better with each role I've seen her in.Yes, I know I'm not really discussing Endo here but one can only attempt to describe pain so much until it becomes upsetting. I found the following on twitter and just had to share it with you lovely ladies.

(twitter.com)

I will wrap this ramble up with a goodnight to you all as the clock approaches 1:00 a.m. Beyond tired now I will head to bed, sit the pillow under my legs and read my latest JD. Robb until sleep comes. 

Till tomorrow, football and hopefully a less painful day.

XxxX

Hope, strength and an Endoplation

Many of you are trying to conceive, some of you may have already so congratulations. For the rest who wonder if we'll ever experience that particular joy my advice is to keep your chin up. Almost every other day I see women on my support groups announcing their pregnancies and continuing to support and wish the rest of us luck. There is one thing we can all hold onto through our difficult times whether or not your aim is to become pregnant. There still remains;

The bonds we have created because of and in a way despite this illness are incredibly strong. Most of us will never meet face to face but we outline the most intimate details of our lives. Why? Because it's not giving out, complaining or moaning. Simply swapping information with someone who is going through or has gone through what you may be experiencing at that particular point in their life. However, sometimes explaining to people can be a right pain. How do you make others understand?


Whilst browsing through my usual support group pages I came across this photo and thought I'd share it on with you all. It gives a really good explanation of Endo or Endoplation if you will, what we go through and comes very close I think to describing how it feels. Please, take a moment to read it, share with your partner or familial support. Maybe even that friend who doesn't quite "get it". I believe this is a very powerful statement and by educating people we can hope to not only create awareness but perhaps even to help some other women get diagnosed. Who knows?

Ours is a battle. A constant, uphill struggle. Yet many of the women I have met with this illness are among the strongest I know. We can cope with a lot more than we give ourselves credit for and while the emotional pain of infertility can't be overlooked we strive to fight on.

Love to my Endo Sister's as always,

XxxX

Awareness-Body & Mind

After another rough night I am feeling worn out today. I was up and down like a yo-yo last night. Not finding comfort anywhere, too hot, too cold, I couldn't get comfortable lying down, sitting up pacing up and down just wishing for the pain to pass so I could get some rest. It was a pretty bad night. I'm doing what I can right now which is to keep myelf hydrated and to look after my diet (I tend to skip meals especially when I'm studying, a bad habit I've fallen into), practice my breathing techniques so my anxiety doesn't overwhelm me when the pain gets really intense and to remain positive.

"Your body hears everything your mind says"- Naomi Judd

Yes this is indeed my normal but I think rather than getting down about it learning to understand my limitations is helping me a lot. To be aware that there's a reason why I feel this chronic fatigue. It's nothing to do with laziness or an unwillingness to move. It doesn't mean that I cannot do things. I just have to set a pace and try to avoid getting frustrated with myself on those really bad days when I literally am unable to move or even concentrate on anything.

Being aware of what is going on with your body is something I have found really helpful. It's funny how much pain we can push through yet when do we say enough is enough? There are so many women still undiagnosed, still suffering because they are just pushing through their pain, getting through each day as best they can and although very admirable it doesn't need to be this way. 

the familypatch.com

Creating awareness and educating people about Endo is one small step in the grand scheme of helping Women worldwide to finally realise that it's not ok to be in so much pain all of the time or to have these unbearable, uncomfortable and sometimes emabrassing symptoms. 

The next time you have a minute alone take a moment for yourself and really listen to your body. Was that pelvic pain there yesterday? Has it been getting worse or better? That dull ache in your back become more persistant? Frequent headaches or even shoulder pain can indicate that there is an imbalance. We are designed in such a way that our system alerts us when something is out of order so that we can attend to it much like you would a cracked brake line. It's something that we all overlook as our lives grow busier and the wonder of technology takes us further from  nature.

flikr.com

I personally feel that it's beneficial to reconnect from time to time. Get in tune with yourself. Walk barefoot in the forest, along the beach or even out your back garden. Don't have a garden? Sprinkle some sand or muck on your patio, balcony or floor. Allow your feet to sense the earth again. It will rebalance you and you will feel energised by this simple way to get in touch with the natural world. We've become so busy between laptops and smart phone, tablets and 3D TV's when do we actually take the time out to simply clear our mind?

I find meditation quite useful for me. When my mind starts to fill up with thoughts and worries, when I feel I am starting to lose control I try to meditate and practice my breathing excercises at the same time to get a hold on things. For me this form of relaxation therapy suits me as there is no fear I will collapse and injure myself because I will sit or lie out on the floor. The risks are very low to me so I feel safe, enabling me to relax easier (it has taken a lot of practice and I've had a few bumps along the way). It might not rid me of the pain but I feel it helps to prepare me mentally for the challenges physical pain brings. 

weefolk.com

If I tell myself I can handle it, then surely I will. There are times of course where I feel like it's a never ending cycle and sometimes I'm convinced the clock is ticking backwards just to screw with me. But, all in all I feel that at the moment I have my head wrapped around this thing. I wont let it bring me down. There will be good days and bad ones. But I just need to remember that the bad ones are only temporary. I'll leave you with one final thought. A quote I came across and if nothing else it will get you thinking. 

"Natural forces within us are the true healers of disease" - Hippocrates

endometriosisawarenesskw.weebly.com

Hope my Sister's are all doing well. 

Love & hugs 

XxxX 

"Health brings a freedom very few realise until they no longer have it" - Bronnie Ware

Let's sort out some of the worries that we may come across while dealing with this chronic pain from an invisible illness that still a lot of people do not understand.

Chronic pain can kill you. No, but it can have a major impact on your quality of life. Seek help before the despair sets in. Talk to a friend, your Doctor or a counsellor. Certain situations may prompt suicidal feelings if the pain becomes unbearable. Don't let it go this far. Take your pain seriously.

Dwelling on pain won't make it worse than it already is. The psychological suffering that comes with physical pain can certainly make you feel miserable. Dwelling on the pain in your mind can help emphasize it.

Note that although we may look healthy a recent study of the US Census Bureau showed that approximately 96% of people who live with an illness have an illness that is regarded as invisible.

Depression is 15-20% higher for the chronically ill than the average person. (Rifkin,A)

Anywhere from 30-50% of women with Endo experience infertility. It is claimed to be one of the top three causes of infertility. One of the most treatable yet the least treated. (American Society for Reproductive Medicine)

The lack of visibility to this illness can be both a blessing and a curse. Because there is no way for people to know when we are in pain we don't get offered seats on the tram or the bus, to gain that little bit of respite. Yet we don't have to face the prejudices that many people with visible illness' or disabilities face.

It's difficult for us to ask for help. Because we've become so good at hiding our pain,wearing that mask asking for help can seem like failure. But everyone needs a hand once in a while. It's ok to say you're having a bad day.

Endometriosis wears us out! We get so sick and tired of it that we're sure others are sick and tired of it too. We just want to withdraw from the world for a while. Verbalising this comes easier to some than others. Practice it so you don't wound those who are close to you. They will understand that you need some time. Just don't stop communicating with people. They will wonder why you've become so isolated and feel as though you are cutting them out of your life. In future when you feel like you need to withdraw tell at least one other person but don't forget to resurfuace.

Gentle well timed "education" can help your loved ones, spouses, partner etc to deal with this life-changing illness.

Be honest with your family and friends. Tell them what you can and can't do. Maybe you can't do that 4 hour shopping marathon but one hour on a good day is better than you cancelling all together.

Be aware that there are going to be people along the way who will question your limitations and just not be able to understand what you're going through. If you have acquaintances who undermine your self image, your health and general well-being it may be time to re-evaluate your relationship with these people. You need to protect yourself.

Look after your mental health. It's every bit as important as your physical health and can have a major impact on how you view situations.

Be good to yourself. Relax, learn yoga, meditation, tai chi perhaps or even simple breathing excercises. These can all help to improve your mood and indeed aid you in your anxious times.

XxxX

Keeping faith

4:10 a.m Sunday morning. I'm woken from a deep sleep by pain. I immediately stumble into the kitchen to fill up my hot water bottle, mental note really need to get a new heat pad. Groggy and uncomfortable I try to decide whether I should try to occupy myself with a movie because I know I'm not going to get back to sleep. I take my painkiller's hoping they will take the edge off and decide to climb back into bed and read my latest JD. Robb on my Kindle app to distract myself. I manage little cat naps, dozing on and off until the heat is gone and I need to refill. It's approaching 8:00 a.m when  I finally manage to drift off and I get a few hours rest. 

infertility.about.com

I decide that I need to get out though and push through the pain. Secured with my painkillers in my bag, my remedy I have been taking which is of more use than most pills I've been prescribed I go to visit my Mum and have a lovely afternoon with her. My pain is mainly centred on my left side, around my left ovary. It's the more active spot and there are times I would love to have a camera to hand to see what's actually going on. I know, you're thinking that I should go and have a lap done but it's not really that simple in my situation. From what I've been told they (Doctor's) can only roatate the ovaries so much before they become damaged plus with stage IV they know it's going to just grow back so they are only willing to operate if I want to conceive straight away.

More and more I have begun to establish my own faith. I trust in my belief's and when I'm at my worst I'm finding out more and more that that's what's getting me through. To know that it wont always be this way, that there are good days and bad and to know that I have to love and understanding of my family and friends is something I need to show more apprecaition for. Recently I got so bogged down in my own thoughts. I allowed my fears and old issues to overwhelm me and instead of talking I tried to shut the world out and "fix" myself. When you have a chronic illness you feel as if you are always giving out or moaning that there is something wrong with you and then on top of that for your mental health to suffer well let's just say I became consumed in sorting myself out and making myself a better person that to the people on the outside it seemed as if I was trying to cut them out of my life. 

As a human I know I'll make mistakes and learning that it's ok but not to hurt people on the way. I have no problem in apologising for my actions and the things I have said and done that have affected certain relationships. I will just try my best each day and keep talking so my thoughts don't get out of control again. Dealing with this is one thing. I know it's never going to go away but I need to make the best out of my situation. 

www.experienceproject.com

Today I am having a very bad flare up. I've my study materials beside me as well as my copy of "Human Chain" by Seamus Heaney. I'm not going to let this pain win. I collapsed while cleansing my spare room with Frankinscence but a slight graze on my hand is nothing to worry about. I will not take this lying down. I will however respect my limitations when I'm in this amount of pain and trust me I'm not likely to climb a ladder or do any heavy lifting today. But there are things I can do. I can stay positive. This is only temporary. I can enjoy my book, study and write. It's all about perspective and faith. I will light my candles and cast my spells and that too shall bring me comfort. 

One day I hope I will find a solution, a compromise where I have a quality of life, where I don't have so many bad days, where my body feels like my own again and where my dreams can be put into action. Until that day comes I will keep my faith. 

Hope you lovely ladies are all keeping well. 

XxxX

Lack of Respect? Decide for yourself.

Late last night a friend drew my attention to this article and asked me a very interesting question. Why is it that people don't show more compassion for Women with Endometriosis?

My first reaction was that they don't understand. A lack of awareness perhaps. If it's not happening to them then they're obviously not thinking about what it could be like for someone else.


He then came back with the argument that people show compassion for many other illnesses even though they may not have experience with them so what makes this so elusive, so hard to wrap your head around. Why is it that when most people hear that you have Endo and you begin to explain what that entails that the reaction is "oh, so it's just like  a bad period then?"



According to Dr. Zorba Paster it's due to a lack of respect. Read here for yourselves his perspective oon why there needs to be more understanding for this chronic illness.

http://host.madison.com/news/local/ask/dr-paster/dr-zorba-paster-endometriosis-symptoms-aren-t-in-your-head/article_c71461ce-8439-5f7a-bc3c-0e2188e46124.html

Rambling and a thank you!

Back in the saddle, so to speak. I've been very overcome with emotions this week. From good to bad, happy to sad. It's been quite the rollercoaster but I think I have, mostly a handle on myself. Old anxieties have crept up from the crevices of my mental filing system to test me once again. Although my legs have been like jelly, my hands shaking uncontrollably I've got through these recent bouts of panic. My Endo seems to have settled again which is great cause for happiness. It really does feel as if my body is fighting back to regulate as much as possible and after all these years of treatments and side effects I am absolutely thrilled to have some sense of normailty. I have been using some relaxation techninques I've learned over the past few years and also meditating.

Yesterday I was going through old paperwork, deciding what to keep and what needed to be thrown out. I stumbled upon a gag present of a giant lollipop that I know to be at least four years old. Unopened but still,  I was turning into a bit of a hoarder. So the clearing out and cleansing process was begun. There were a few minor stings, one in particular caught me by surprise. I stumbled upon a pair of booties I had bought some years ago. They are still in the bag with the receipt. It's strange the things you forget about and yet the effect they can have on you when you find them. It got me thinking. I'm not where I thought I would be at twenty-eight but I'm not doing badly either.

The past two weeks I have been really unwell. I had quite a bad chest infection and was on antibiotics plus the Endo flare. I then had three cysts burst on my left ovary. It completely drained me of all energy. I couldn't concentrate on studying. The information was out of my head the moment I read it, nor could I go out because I physically couldn't move due to the pain. I fell twice. The first time I got a nice whollop on my cheekbone, thanks to Arnica cream and tablets though I didn't bruise and the redness is pretty much gone now. The second time I just grazed my hand but my head took a nice bang. Other than that I've been doing as I was told. Heavy bleeding=elevated legs=plenty of fluid=iron=rest. The formula the hospital always drilled into me. When you have chronic pain like this some days are inevitablly worse than others.

It got me thinking of the whirlwind this year has been so far. I look at the calendar and wonder where the months have gone. I'm at a completely different place than I would have thought even six months ago physically and mentally. It's been like coming up for air (corny, but it's the only way I can think of explaining it). I've been through some changese and since this year's Endo March I've found greater support and understanding and have reached many more people with this blog than I ever thought possible. I think really what I'm trying to say is that I am grateful. For every one of you who read this, whether you've been with me from the start or have just begun the journey yourself. For my very understanding family and friends, my Mum and Bobi especially. For my boyfriend, who from the beginning, when we were just friends would read my blog and has never made an issue of my Endo. I know I f**k up sometimes. I can be an awful scatterbrain. I get overwhelmed by emotions and sometimes zone out into my own thoughts.

I have weaknesses, flaws and I'm going to make more mistakes long before I'm through here but I am grateful for the wisdom I have gained through each life experience. My tastes have changed of course. I'm learning each day and will never know enough to satisfy myself. I have promised myself though to make the most of each good day because you never know what tomorrow will bring. I feel spiritually I am finding my centre, a place where I feel connected and at ease with my beliefs. My curiousity leads me to seek out answers that most likely aren't available to me and yet I'll still look. It's about the adventure. A wise woman in the form of my Mum has a saying "what's for you won't pass you". It's become something of a motto for life really and it's a nice positive way of thinking about things.

#1 after Primolut (Warning, bad Endo face)

I'm glad I made the most of my painfree time. Because here comes the flare up and the pain.

So I've just started my first period since coming off Primolut. It was 27 days, not bad for me. I'll take that all day but it's still early days yet. The first day which was the 19th wasn't too bad pain wise. I was in pain but I still manage to leave the apartment and spend a lovely afternoon with my Mum and Sister. That evening though I began to feel very uncomfortable,  too hot, legs were cramping and I knew I needed to get home.

The night of the 19th was horrible. The pain kept me awake. It felt like both ovaries were being pulled, stretched and twisted. The bleeding as usual is heavy, a lot of black clots which sometimes are painful to pass. I was exhausted yesterday. Literally had to crawl to the bathroom I was in that much pain. What worries me is the painkillers I am on aren't doing anything. I'm not getting any relief this time. I tried having a bath, it just irritated me more. Tried breathing exercises for the waves of muscle contractions and this was somewhat helpful. It helped to focus on my breathing to get me through those intense bouts. Like a ripple crossing my pelvis, the contractions come and go but are so extreme they have made me collapse and cry out with pain.

I also tried meditating, just clearing my mind and using some relaxation techniques I have learned. It was like being interrupted by a demanding toddler. The pain wants my attention all of the time.

I'm thinking I may try the Castor Oil Packs. In this weather keeping a heat pad on its so difficult. You run the risk of dehydration if you're not careful :-) Plus with the hot water bottle I accidentally burned my leg and it blistered. Don't want blisters on my stomach.

The boyfriend keeps telling me basically how he has no faith in the treatment here in Ireland and believes the only way for me to find relief is through surgery. He wishes strongly that I would visit his homeland and see Doctors there.

I'm not sure. I've reached my limit with Doctors to be honest. Treatments that haven't worked and now feeling like my only option is progesterone or nothing.

I'll look for an alternative thanks.

Hope you ladies are all hanging in there.
Love

XxxX

It's time to begin

It's official. I have gone one full week without a flare up or extreme pain! (I've had some pulling on the left ovary but it's minute) I'm feeling quite positive about this recent new lease on life. I'm not currently on any treatment either which is a nice break to be honest. I haven't taken any Primolut now for over two weeks and the headaches I was getting have already disappeared. I know I'm prone to migraines but it was everyday with the tablets.

I digress. I want this post to show really how positive I feel both mentally and physically at this very moment in time. There are several contributing factors to my attitude. I've mended friendships, begun new ones, strenghtened bonds and am in a loving relationship. I've also let some people go, woken up to alot of bs and I think, as corny as this is going to sound, grown as a person.

kent.edu

I've never really been able to find the words to describe how having this illness has affected my mental health. Physically, yes fine, I'll talk no bother at all. But when it comes to opening up about what's going on inside the noggin, well that's a completely different thing already. I've created a safe for my mind. Only I hold the keys and only I decide who gets to see inside.

etsy.com

Until now. It's been a very long and bumpy road, from first symptom to diagnosis and at times I have literally broken down not knowing if I'll ever feel pain-free, ever conceive, ever have a somewhat "normal" period (not one that lasts over 13days), ever have times where I can forget about my illness and just live. Just be me. Not the girl who has Endo and can't move because she's in such extreme pain or is so tired from blood loss that she has no energy or is going through depression because it's all just too much.

I have lost friends because of my illness. They would reach their limit of asking me to go out for coffee, or a movie, even just a chat and I would be crippled with pain. But, me being me I didn't fully explain what was going on with me because I didn't want them to look at me or treat me like I was sick. In truth, I was afraid if I told them about my Endo that they would walk away. Turns out the joke was on me. Not telling them realised my fear.

Over the years I have found my own coping method as I suppose everyone does given any difficult situation. I have had relationships. Some lasted quite a time, some were very brief. I remember having "the talk" with each boyfriend. When you are dating for a period of time and things get serious, naturally you start sharing your ideas for the future. I always felt it best to explain my illness early on, be up front and get it out there. This, I felt would avoid me getting in too deep. (I have a really terrible fear of being hurt due to past experiences. I'll deal. It's a work in progress). Especially as there's a huge question mark over my fertility. They all reacted well; mainly because they didn't fully comprehend what I was telling them. "Oh you have bad periods? Doesn't every girl?" Eh, not like this.  All of them at some point later on would come to me and want further discussion which of course I was happy to oblige. That's when the talking would get serious. I remember one guy actually looking it up on the internet the evening after I told him and then ringing me with a list of questions asking me about all of my symptoms so he could check them off one by one and suggest treatments for me. He was not a qualified Doctor and became a bit too controlling. It was too full on for me but probably his way of coping. Needless to say that ship sailed a long time ago.

As I got into my twenties and began serious relationships the topic of having children would occur. I would flat out shut this down. I realise now it was out of complete fear, after having gone through fertility treatment last year and trying to conceive for the previous three I know now that I was terrified that if I allowed myself to want something that much, to even think something positive could come out of this situation that my heart would be broken.

thesun.co.uk

Of course I never talked to anyone about how I was feeling or I would have known the rationale of the situation. There are other options and getting stressed is not exactly going to help me out. My life became consumed about getting pregnant. It was, period, intercourse, ovulation tests, pregnancy tests, negative, period, repeat. You get the idea. Then the fertility medication (Clomid) came into play. This, for me was a horrendous experience. Because my ovaries were being over-stimulated I was subject to side effects. The mood swings were uncontrollable. Happy and laughing one minute, crying the next. Physical pain from both ovaries reduced me to bedrest for days, sometimes weeks. It was unbearable.

I came to think; "I can't do this. How can I look after a baby when I'm in this much pain?" I decided to stop trying, to come off the fertility medication and to focus on rebuilding myself. I've realised that for me having a child is not the be all and all of the world but having a quality of life is defintiely a good place to start. I have been fortunate enough to have a good support network and a few really good solid friends who have stuck with me. I am grateful each day for these people in my life because when the bad days come you certainly do find out who's actually willing to be there for you.

I'm feeling much better now than I have in years and the only things really that I've changed are my relationships, my attitude and ok maybe my hair. Do I know how long this reprieve will last? Of course not! But while I'm feeling this good I intend to make the most of it. The next time I have a bad day I'm going to look back on this and remember this very moment where I'm typing in my favourite spot in my apartment, my coffee's gone cold, dishwasher is clanking in the background and my boyfriend's brother Olly is over for a visit. We stayed up last night and shared some white wine and a lot of laughs. The previous night my Bobi stayed over and we watched American Hustle and sniffed each other's nails. Also last week my Bobi and her friend visited Rodney and I in our apartment. I cooked, we had some drinks, listened to music, joked laughed and even had a little sing song. All pain-free.

As always love to my beloved Endo Sisters.

XxxxX

Paid Menstrual Leave

A few days ago my attention was drawn to an article in an Irish newspaper about "Paid Menstrual leave".
Apparently this situation already exists in many Asian countries and the topic was putting it to Women to gain their response as to whether they would approve of such sick leave being brought into the workplace. The writer of the article seemed to take the idea of this extra leave as an offensive situation, that it would be singling women out, giving their bosses an excuse to let them go or perhaps not hire them at all because they're too fragile to work.

Twitter.com

I have to say this irled me some. I feel that women such as ourselves could benefit from having these extra paid sick days because we suffer from a conditioin which we can't help that does cause us to call in sick more often than other co-workers. It's not a case a special consideration but I think one of understanding. A lot of women I have spoken to over the years have lost their jobs because they had to ring in sick so often due to the pain they were in. I'm not suggesting for a moment that this paid leave would put an end to all of that but I do think it would be a good place to start. Creating awareness and raising a level of understanding is a first step in our battle against the ignorance of this disease.

Etsy.com

You don't need to shout it from the rooftop's and I'm sure you could find a discreet way of dealing with it in the workplace between yourself and your boss. Obviously the details would need to be refined. But the general idea does appeal to me. It would allow Women who suffer with Dysmennorhea, Endometriosis, PCOS or other pelvic issues a bit more leeway when it came to their periods. Some women experience such pain that they need to be hospitalized. Others I've talked to are on such strong pain med's that they wouldn't be able to drive their car to get to work or operate machinery or sometimes even walk with the pain. I think is a step in the right direction.

Pinterest.com

I do find however that other Women are often the ones who look down at Women who suffer with their periods. It's like they can't possibly comprehend that you could be in that much pain. We should stick together not try to tear each other apart. Everyone suffers in their own way and everyone has their own story.

endo-resolved.com

Stay positive my Sister's. Hope you're all well. Love to you all.

XxxxxX

Today's Endo face

I mentioned earlier I was having a flare up. Not only have I not been able to move with the pain but I'm shaky, my hands literally are shaking and I feel so wobbly.

It feels like there's an ovarian tug of war going on all day and it's really not enjoyable. My pain meds are not doing anything and I'm down to Belladonna as I'm out of everything else. The shops are all closed now so will get pain meds tomorrow and hopefully they'll help. I got off the Ponstan and Tramadol, difene and acupan as the side effects and dependency levels were ridiculous so it's homeopathic remedies now and rarely otc meds.

Just feeling miserable and it's times like this that I'm grateful I have such loving and supportive family and friends in my life.honestly would love a Bobi snuggle now. She always make me laugh and feel good and my Mum loves to snuggle and we talk random shite all of the time
 They're the best women I know and I am so proud of them each and every day.

Literally half been in bed most of this evening except to move to the couch where I had decaf and black forest with the bf's
Mother. She pulled blankets over me and we watched Salt. It was nice.  Treatment my Mum gives me but I would never expect it off anyone else. I think so far we're getting on ok although I still need to push the Brotber and find out about the Bf's wild stories haha.

But now I'm currently in bed again, in agony still. Feel as if I've been drained of all of my energy.

It's half past midnight here. I know, party animal or what? Going to try destress and hopefully get some sleep.

Love to you all
XxxxX

Be grateful for the good days

Yesterday I managed to stumble through without too much discomfort which was epic timing as it was the meeting of the Mother's day.

My Mum and Sister were coming over for dinner to meet the boyfriend's Mum and Brother for the first time as they are over from France on a visit. This was a first for me so the nerves were up a little.

The dinner was cooking away, table set all by his Mum and I went over to collect my people. Some Dutch courage was needed so into my local for a quick drink with Mum and Bobi before heading home.

Made the introductions, the alcohol came out and in true Irish style everyone immediately began talking over each other.
The dinner went down well and his Mum made a great effort even doing a gluten free dessert as my Sis is a coeliac.

There was a surprise guest in the form of the local priest which was a funny moment and for a second we thought there might be some kind of conspiracy but he was a lovely gentlemen and very easy going.

Everyone got on and bonded. The two families are very similar in some ways and I'm thrilled it all went well. There was no apocalypse, just a bit of rain.

Today I've woken to a beautiful Endo flare up. I'm currently curled up with my hot water bottle (need to get a new heatpad) and look like crap. Feel drained and my back is do achy. Shoulders, feet and of course my abdomen ate all sore. Just feel blah.

But I'm so grateful that if only for a little while I got to enjoy some normal family time.

XxxxX

Pop goes the cyst

Finally last night my cyst burst. It has been annoying me for weeks now and yesterday I could just feel this twisting, gnawing aggravating pain so I was extremly relieved when it went it's merry way. Today however I feel utterly exhausted, like I've climbed Everest without Oxygen. I feel completely drained of energy and I'm finding it hard to keep my eyes open.

I was doing some study earlier on and when I went to go get a cup of coffee I had another sharp pain followed by a pop on my right side this time. The pain was so intense that I collapsed on the floor. I've grazed my arm and hit my head. Yay another bruise! (said sarcastically)

So at the moment I'm feeling fairly crappy. I have heat on my abdomen in the form of a hot water bottle. I'm seriously thinking of getting a TENS machine and I can't wait to try a Castor Oil Pack.

I'm off to get some rest guys. Love to my Sister's


Andie

XxxX

Pictures over the course of me writing this post. As you can see I'm not very glamorous today.

Also, notice the nice bruising that's appearing on my right cheekbone. Fun times. 

How to do a castor Oil Pack - Step by Step

Best explanation I've come across

One of my Endo Sisters shared this picture of Dr. Cook's "Stop Endometriosis and pelvic pain: what every Woman and her Doctor need to know."

I've not come across a better way to sum up Endo and that's just the first page.
Love it.

Check up - left Ovarian Cyst

After many weeks of trying to deny that everything's been ok with regard to my left ovary I finally gave in and went to see my Doctor on Monday. I've been having severe pelvic pain, radiating from my left ovary outwards. My lower back has been especially achy, my left shoulder is like a brick and the pressure I've been feeling in my pelvic area has been at times quite intense.

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I am really lucky to have such a good rapport with my Doctor. He is very understanding and thorough, doesn't take any BS and I would like to think is very upfront with me. I explained my symptoms and after some routine tests and a pelvic exam he concluded that I most likely have a large cyst on my left ovary. While I had suspected that this was the case I felt very relieved to have the diagnosis. He prescribed me painkillers and antibiotics three times a day for a week.

I'm under strict orders not to do any heavy lifting, over exerting or gymnastics

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 (there goes my big plans for the week :-) ) If the cyst doesn't calm down with the treatment then he wants me to go to hospital. I've has many cysts burst in the past and I am prone to fluid-filled ones so I'm not very eager to go running to A&E. Fingers crossed though everything works out well. I've had some pain today alright but so far I don't feel like anything is about to pop.

While I was with my Doc I also broached the subject of "coming off" my Primolut N as my migraines are increasing again. In his opinion, he thinks I should stay on it for the moment as the weigh up between the haemorrhaging I experience and the migraines are not really a balanced choice.

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I know he has a point and it's true I've been good in getting off the rest of the hormone treatments I was on so of course it's best to suffer the migraines instead of the prolonged bleeding, anaemia and crazy hell that would occur should I cease the progesterone treatment.

I just thought I'd chance my arm, see if I was "doing better". It's been frustrating me really badly of late how much this chronic condition affects my day to day life. Some days just finding the willpower to get out of bed is a monumental task. When my pain is what I would call "bad" I can't concentrate on anything, I'm extremly irritable and really you do approach at your own risk.

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I know I talk a lot about staying positive and I'll stick to that as I frmly believe it can and does help in the long run to cope with this illness, or most really I suppose. I never said you couldn't have a bad day, week or feel irritated at times.

It's all about getting up each day and carrying on, doing our best, making good choices and being kind to ourselves.

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Love to my Endo Sisters.

Andie  

XxxX

Happy Mama's Day

A lot of my transatlantic friends are celebrating today and rightly so.

For those of you who are feeling a little down today or are wondering if it'll ever happen to you. Keep the faith I say. Whichever faith is completely up to you, staying focused on your goals and remaining positive is the main enemy.

Wherever you are and however you're feeling today tale a moment to be thankful for your Mum, Gran, Aunt or other strong female presence in your life.

Enjoy your day ladies.
Until next time
XxxxX

A Fresh Approach

I've been experiencing a bad time with ovarian pain again of late but after a visit to a wonderful homeopathic shop I am feel much more positive about things. The lady I dealt with recommended on of her colleagues for me to see as the remedy I'm currently taking is on a "stop gap" really and not a treatment for my Endo.

The lady informed that she could tune into my energy and feel the pain I was in.
I honestly didn't know what to say but the understanding from her was quite overwhelming. The card she gave me lists the person as a homeopath and an energy healer.

I had recently been discussing.g my options and right now this sounds like something I more than prepared to try. Fingers crossed.

Will keep you posted. Lots of Love
Andie
XxxX

Reflections

My absence of late can be explained by a number of things. I have been busy studying again, gaining another A in my quest for the ever elusive Herbal Medicine Diploma (determined to get straight A's)

I have also been going through alot emotionally. This year so far has seen many changes for me. From beginning a new relationship and moving in together, rekindling old friendships and letting some people go, there has been enough drama to produce a soap opera.

It got me thinking. How do we keep going? Is it as simple as "we just have to"? In a way I think so. To live a full life we must do our best each day.
Although each day I have pain, at different levels, I have truly found that, upon reflection, the more positive I am about my health the easier the day goes for me emotionally. Over the years, dealing with Endo, PTSD, and a panic disorder I've had to find ways to cope. I've reached rock bottom and it's not pretty. It's a difficult climb back up and your own negative thoughts can really drag you back. But with support and love I got back up on my feet and I don't ever intend to fall off that cliff again.

Sometimes it feels like you're threading water and of course your head is going to go under sometimes, but the important thing is to keep moving, keep going and never give up hope.