Awareness-Body & Mind

After another rough night I am feeling worn out today. I was up and down like a yo-yo last night. Not finding comfort anywhere, too hot, too cold, I couldn't get comfortable lying down, sitting up pacing up and down just wishing for the pain to pass so I could get some rest. It was a pretty bad night. I'm doing what I can right now which is to keep myelf hydrated and to look after my diet (I tend to skip meals especially when I'm studying, a bad habit I've fallen into), practice my breathing techniques so my anxiety doesn't overwhelm me when the pain gets really intense and to remain positive.

"Your body hears everything your mind says"- Naomi Judd

Yes this is indeed my normal but I think rather than getting down about it learning to understand my limitations is helping me a lot. To be aware that there's a reason why I feel this chronic fatigue. It's nothing to do with laziness or an unwillingness to move. It doesn't mean that I cannot do things. I just have to set a pace and try to avoid getting frustrated with myself on those really bad days when I literally am unable to move or even concentrate on anything.

Being aware of what is going on with your body is something I have found really helpful. It's funny how much pain we can push through yet when do we say enough is enough? There are so many women still undiagnosed, still suffering because they are just pushing through their pain, getting through each day as best they can and although very admirable it doesn't need to be this way. 

the familypatch.com

Creating awareness and educating people about Endo is one small step in the grand scheme of helping Women worldwide to finally realise that it's not ok to be in so much pain all of the time or to have these unbearable, uncomfortable and sometimes emabrassing symptoms. 

The next time you have a minute alone take a moment for yourself and really listen to your body. Was that pelvic pain there yesterday? Has it been getting worse or better? That dull ache in your back become more persistant? Frequent headaches or even shoulder pain can indicate that there is an imbalance. We are designed in such a way that our system alerts us when something is out of order so that we can attend to it much like you would a cracked brake line. It's something that we all overlook as our lives grow busier and the wonder of technology takes us further from  nature.

flikr.com

I personally feel that it's beneficial to reconnect from time to time. Get in tune with yourself. Walk barefoot in the forest, along the beach or even out your back garden. Don't have a garden? Sprinkle some sand or muck on your patio, balcony or floor. Allow your feet to sense the earth again. It will rebalance you and you will feel energised by this simple way to get in touch with the natural world. We've become so busy between laptops and smart phone, tablets and 3D TV's when do we actually take the time out to simply clear our mind?

I find meditation quite useful for me. When my mind starts to fill up with thoughts and worries, when I feel I am starting to lose control I try to meditate and practice my breathing excercises at the same time to get a hold on things. For me this form of relaxation therapy suits me as there is no fear I will collapse and injure myself because I will sit or lie out on the floor. The risks are very low to me so I feel safe, enabling me to relax easier (it has taken a lot of practice and I've had a few bumps along the way). It might not rid me of the pain but I feel it helps to prepare me mentally for the challenges physical pain brings. 

weefolk.com

If I tell myself I can handle it, then surely I will. There are times of course where I feel like it's a never ending cycle and sometimes I'm convinced the clock is ticking backwards just to screw with me. But, all in all I feel that at the moment I have my head wrapped around this thing. I wont let it bring me down. There will be good days and bad ones. But I just need to remember that the bad ones are only temporary. I'll leave you with one final thought. A quote I came across and if nothing else it will get you thinking. 

"Natural forces within us are the true healers of disease" - Hippocrates

endometriosisawarenesskw.weebly.com

Hope my Sister's are all doing well. 

Love & hugs 

XxxX 

It's time to begin

It's official. I have gone one full week without a flare up or extreme pain! (I've had some pulling on the left ovary but it's minute) I'm feeling quite positive about this recent new lease on life. I'm not currently on any treatment either which is a nice break to be honest. I haven't taken any Primolut now for over two weeks and the headaches I was getting have already disappeared. I know I'm prone to migraines but it was everyday with the tablets.

I digress. I want this post to show really how positive I feel both mentally and physically at this very moment in time. There are several contributing factors to my attitude. I've mended friendships, begun new ones, strenghtened bonds and am in a loving relationship. I've also let some people go, woken up to alot of bs and I think, as corny as this is going to sound, grown as a person.

kent.edu

I've never really been able to find the words to describe how having this illness has affected my mental health. Physically, yes fine, I'll talk no bother at all. But when it comes to opening up about what's going on inside the noggin, well that's a completely different thing already. I've created a safe for my mind. Only I hold the keys and only I decide who gets to see inside.

etsy.com

Until now. It's been a very long and bumpy road, from first symptom to diagnosis and at times I have literally broken down not knowing if I'll ever feel pain-free, ever conceive, ever have a somewhat "normal" period (not one that lasts over 13days), ever have times where I can forget about my illness and just live. Just be me. Not the girl who has Endo and can't move because she's in such extreme pain or is so tired from blood loss that she has no energy or is going through depression because it's all just too much.

I have lost friends because of my illness. They would reach their limit of asking me to go out for coffee, or a movie, even just a chat and I would be crippled with pain. But, me being me I didn't fully explain what was going on with me because I didn't want them to look at me or treat me like I was sick. In truth, I was afraid if I told them about my Endo that they would walk away. Turns out the joke was on me. Not telling them realised my fear.

Over the years I have found my own coping method as I suppose everyone does given any difficult situation. I have had relationships. Some lasted quite a time, some were very brief. I remember having "the talk" with each boyfriend. When you are dating for a period of time and things get serious, naturally you start sharing your ideas for the future. I always felt it best to explain my illness early on, be up front and get it out there. This, I felt would avoid me getting in too deep. (I have a really terrible fear of being hurt due to past experiences. I'll deal. It's a work in progress). Especially as there's a huge question mark over my fertility. They all reacted well; mainly because they didn't fully comprehend what I was telling them. "Oh you have bad periods? Doesn't every girl?" Eh, not like this.  All of them at some point later on would come to me and want further discussion which of course I was happy to oblige. That's when the talking would get serious. I remember one guy actually looking it up on the internet the evening after I told him and then ringing me with a list of questions asking me about all of my symptoms so he could check them off one by one and suggest treatments for me. He was not a qualified Doctor and became a bit too controlling. It was too full on for me but probably his way of coping. Needless to say that ship sailed a long time ago.

As I got into my twenties and began serious relationships the topic of having children would occur. I would flat out shut this down. I realise now it was out of complete fear, after having gone through fertility treatment last year and trying to conceive for the previous three I know now that I was terrified that if I allowed myself to want something that much, to even think something positive could come out of this situation that my heart would be broken.

thesun.co.uk

Of course I never talked to anyone about how I was feeling or I would have known the rationale of the situation. There are other options and getting stressed is not exactly going to help me out. My life became consumed about getting pregnant. It was, period, intercourse, ovulation tests, pregnancy tests, negative, period, repeat. You get the idea. Then the fertility medication (Clomid) came into play. This, for me was a horrendous experience. Because my ovaries were being over-stimulated I was subject to side effects. The mood swings were uncontrollable. Happy and laughing one minute, crying the next. Physical pain from both ovaries reduced me to bedrest for days, sometimes weeks. It was unbearable.

I came to think; "I can't do this. How can I look after a baby when I'm in this much pain?" I decided to stop trying, to come off the fertility medication and to focus on rebuilding myself. I've realised that for me having a child is not the be all and all of the world but having a quality of life is defintiely a good place to start. I have been fortunate enough to have a good support network and a few really good solid friends who have stuck with me. I am grateful each day for these people in my life because when the bad days come you certainly do find out who's actually willing to be there for you.

I'm feeling much better now than I have in years and the only things really that I've changed are my relationships, my attitude and ok maybe my hair. Do I know how long this reprieve will last? Of course not! But while I'm feeling this good I intend to make the most of it. The next time I have a bad day I'm going to look back on this and remember this very moment where I'm typing in my favourite spot in my apartment, my coffee's gone cold, dishwasher is clanking in the background and my boyfriend's brother Olly is over for a visit. We stayed up last night and shared some white wine and a lot of laughs. The previous night my Bobi stayed over and we watched American Hustle and sniffed each other's nails. Also last week my Bobi and her friend visited Rodney and I in our apartment. I cooked, we had some drinks, listened to music, joked laughed and even had a little sing song. All pain-free.

As always love to my beloved Endo Sisters.

XxxxX