Hello Endo my old friend

I made it through Paddy's Day without an incident. My lower back was achy and as usual the ovaries were fighting over who loved me the best, although showing it through pain is not ideal for me.

Cut to 22:00 thereabouts, my Endo starts attacking, a flare up I'll call it for now. In keeping with my no holes barred approach this year here's how I'm looking right now. (Pic's below)

Not a comforting site I know. But I will get through it. I have an amazing family around me and some very understanding friends.
Let's hope this flare up doesn't out stay it's welcome. Other than that life is good.

Love to my sisters and their families.

Stay strong
XxxxX

Pushing people away? We should be pulling them closer.

So for the past six weeks I have not stopped bleeding. I went through Primolut N, Cerazette, Cyklokapron and then Primolut N again.
I feel a little in the dark here as I don't know what's going to work for me.

My G.P informs me that if it doesn't stop I must present to casualty. I am severely anemic despite taking Iron supplements and eating Iron rich food, so tired, irritable, having leg cramps and unreal pain in my abdomen especially my left side where the OBGYN found a cyst at the start of the year but my next scan is not until July. I already had a cyst on my ovary rupture approximately eight weeks ago. But once the pain subsided I felt OK. I did not attend A&E this time as these cysts pop quite regularly and by the time I get to Emergency there is very little they can do and all they see on the Ultrasound is the membrane from the cyst.

I have found that throughout my battle with Endo that no matter how difficult things get, we must push through. It's not the easiest thing to do at all and sometimes you literally want to curl up until the pain goes away as, well for me anyway, there's no pain relief to be found when I am having a bad Endo day.

That day is today and despite wanting to be around people and have a cuddle from someone I'm also very hormonal and irritable. I can't make up my mind whether I want company or to be alone so I'm not asked every half hour how I'm doing or people telling me "you don't look well, you're in pain aren't you?" I know they are concerned and trying to help but I find it hard to actually let people help me with my Endo.

Sometimes I feel it's something I have to fight on my own and essentially it is. But I can be quite dismissive when my family and other half are trying to help me, soother me and comfort me. I can get quite annoyed. It's not even that they would claim to understand what I'm feeling (although my Mum would have an idea having had Endo herself) it's just that they feel helpless, I feel helpless and this situation does not help anyone.

I'm sure many Women have gone or are going through similar situations. It's all about finding that inner strength to let people in and realize that although we may be battling this and the pain and discomfort is happening to us does not mean that we don't all need a bit of support does it?

We need to let those that genuinely want to help into our lives and stop thinking it's something we can control, fight/ease on our own.

As always my Sisters stay strong, feel free to comment and share how you are supported through this fight.

Reflections (Part 1)

Finished the dose of 50mg of Clomid last Saturday, the 10th of March. First round, done & dusted.

Have had a very nauseous stomach, a little spotting & some PMS like moody moments but compared to the Endo pains & tribulations this is small change for me. So all in all I'm looking at this positively & also fingers crossed am hoping the treatment works out to our advantage over the coming months.

Things in general have been quite turbulent the past few weeks & at times I do wonder if we'd made the right choice to begin treatment for the infertility problem now but if not now after almost two years of TTC then when?

Is there ever a right time to be pregnant, be trying, give birth? Or does everything happen in it's own time & for it's own reasons.

One has to wonder, even if we don't always have the answers to the questions, it doesn't cost anything to ask. I just need to be happy in the knowledge that I won't always have the answers & neither will anyone else.

Doctors have been "buying time" with me for years, almost 9 now & from being told at 18 that I would never conceive to now being given that chance has flipped the odds in my favor.

I certainly was in no way prepared at 18 to consider having a child, nor did I want to at that time. I was in college, looking forward to my career & so forth & was convinced that it wasn't the choice for me.

Now however, it's a different kettle of fish as it was two years ago when I had that moment where I though I could be pregnant but obviously it turned out to be a falsehood. That started us on our journey, asking questions having tests & so forth. Going off & trying the natural root with a little apprehension because of the past comments by Medical Professionals. But it hasn't stopped us. The Endo is always somewhere in our minds but honestly it doesn't "control" me anymore.

It's been difficult at times to not let it constantly get in the way and of course there are days, hours, minutes where all of my positive thoughts go out the window with the pain I'm in but I know there's got to be an end goal. There's always something I can do to be proactive about this disease whether it's talking about it, writing about it, accepting treatments, medical, natural or otherwise.

If you can keep finding a way to move forward you'll get there eventually. It's like a marathon-pace yourself.