Choices

Ah Provera, my somewhat not so good old friend. So we ended up in A&E on Sunday. Firstly, I had to get my day 21 Progesterone blood test & the blood clinic doesn't open at the weekends & secondly because the bleeding had become extremely heavy during the week that I thought I should get it checked out & see if it was some sort of side effect from the Clomid.

Anyway, got the bloods done, turns out I'm also very low in iron & apparently not looking after myself properly according to the nurse & two Doctors I seen in my time at the hospital.

The nurse literally got 2ml of blood from my arm, told me that my veins had collapsed & I was left with a nice set of bruises in the crook of my elbow. After a quick chat with the lab it turns out this is enough to run the test so we we're happy with that.

Then seen two different Doctors. The first got called away to Maternity for an emergency & the second Doctor (John) was so nice & helpful. Went through everything with me & came to the conclusion that my cycle had just been a very short one this month, prescribed Provera 10mg three a day for one week & then back to the Clomid once the new cycle starts.

He answered all of our questions, done an internal exam, checked out my BP, which was alright-ish & gave me a slight lecture about needing to take time for myself, to look after myself properly, not to be basically going along the way I was as my dizziness, weeping, hormones, pain in my lower back, headaches & most likely the length & heaviness of the bleeding is most likely due to stress coupled with the treatment.

So..this week I have been trying to take a step back from certain activities like heavy DIY & lifting. Which to be honest has been very difficult in a way because I pride myself on being a "hands on" person especially around the house. I feel like I'm getting looks from other members of the household that I'm not diving in the way I usually do but I have been up front, they know what's going on. I mean how else does one explain bursting into tears when they are just looked at or asked a very simple question.

I'm on Day 4 of the provera & still waiting on the bleeding to stop. The hormone"strops" are not really easing. I just seem to be like some sort of switch; crying one minute & snapping for absolutely no reason the next. It's a little ridiculous to be honest but I keep reminding myself of the purpose which most of the time keeps me going. I'm very lucky that I have such an understanding partner with me through all of this & that my family do their best to understand that I'm not always going to be bright & bubbly.

Sometimes I feel like my body has been taken over my some foreign entity & I'm getting dragged apart in the process while it has it's evil way with my emotions.

The fact that there is a chance that these treatments may cause more problems for me with the Endo that is still active has not been lost on me. However, there comes a time where we all have to learn to prioritize & now my fertility is more important.

I feel that I've been put in a position through my own choices where I've now had to put any treatment for Endo on the back burner as such & go ahead with fertility treatments in the hope of conceiving. I just trust it's the right choice for us, at this time.

Obstacle? Only if you let it be.

Day 19 of cycle/ 14 days after last Clomid tablet & I have been spotting most of this week, which turned to a heavier bleed (like day one period bleeding) & I've been getting increasingly anxious that the Clomid wasn't agreeing with my body or working, doing it's job.

After talking to K & V listening to what they had to say I rang my Gynecological ward at the hospital & spoke to a nurse who got me to explain the symptoms exactly & then told me that's it's normal with the Clomid to experience this. That the pain I've been having is a good indication of the treatment starting to work. Apparently it's my ovaries being stimulated that's creating the itchy, stabbing pain.

I cannot convey how relieved that phone call made me, how simple an act & yet how long it took me to do it.

I was literally jumping for joy that it doesn't mean the treatment has failed, seeing as I have at least two more months on it & at a higher dose.

Although in saying that the lovely Nurse also said if the bleeding gets any heavier, clots become persistently present or the pain gets too much to just come straight into them but I honestly feel like there's a bit of hope left.

It's normal! I feel somewhat normal even being able to say that. I can handle things easier if I understand the how's & why's of them. But sometimes I get so scared to ask the questions in case the answers negative or it means taking five steps back.

But I have come to the realization that it doesn't matter what the answer is we all eventually have to deal with these outcomes.

It's been really great being able to talk to my younger Sister about all of this. To have a woman's perspective who hasn't gone through any treatments like this or had these nerves about side effects resulting in the treatments not working before. To talk it out, be heard & not compared to for once was just so different that it opened my eyes up to seeing that not everything that happens to my body is necessarily a bad sign.

I have to go into the hospital on Sunday fro my Day 21 Progesterone test so I will just go over everything again, make a list of things I might have forgotten to ask in the first place because I was too scared. See if K has any questions, fears or worries & go forward from here.

It's amazing how a little reassurance can make you instantly feel more positive toward your situation. It's settled me back down in myself a bit, the anxious feeling I had all last night has also eased. I wished I had called earlier or yesterday.

Lesson learned.

A different path?

Ladies, I'm sure you're tired of being promised that this or that treatment will aid you or rid you of pain, gain your a few years without those sometimes torturous cramps, save your fertility or just give you a better quality of life.

Now those of you have been on that long list of hormone therapies, surgeries &

sometimes whatever the Doc's are pulling out of there hats have probably, like me already turned to an alternative medicine to see if it has any use.

I myself have tried TCM but while I was on a GnRH analogue so we've never been entirely sure which one worked although the herbs I was prescribed certainly helped with the side effects of the treatment so in that I can say hand on heart they worked for me.

Whilst I have not been yet brave enough to go for acupuncture I have tired homeopathic & herbal remedies & still continue to use certain one's for PMS & the general annoying pains I get from my Endometriosis.

It really doesn't matter what "stage" of this disease you have, you still suffer, it's not

fair & it's certainly not something you've brought on yourself.

*Some of the Herbal Remedies I've tried over the years are; Chamomile, Peppermint, Feverfew, Yarrow, Chaste Tree, Valerian, Hops, Skullcap, Sage & also in the Homeopathic realm I've used Belladonna, Kali. Phos & New Era tissue salts for menstruation.

*If you want to try any of these please consult with your G.P or local Herbalist first.

In no way am I encouraging you to abandon your treatment's or usual medicine but instead am just putting it out there that there are always alternative's even if to just help with side effects or improve your overall health.

Give herbs a shot, they were around first after all :-)

Remember there's always support available to us, a light at the end & always always there's hope.

Reflections (Part 1)

Finished the dose of 50mg of Clomid last Saturday, the 10th of March. First round, done & dusted.

Have had a very nauseous stomach, a little spotting & some PMS like moody moments but compared to the Endo pains & tribulations this is small change for me. So all in all I'm looking at this positively & also fingers crossed am hoping the treatment works out to our advantage over the coming months.

Things in general have been quite turbulent the past few weeks & at times I do wonder if we'd made the right choice to begin treatment for the infertility problem now but if not now after almost two years of TTC then when?

Is there ever a right time to be pregnant, be trying, give birth? Or does everything happen in it's own time & for it's own reasons.

One has to wonder, even if we don't always have the answers to the questions, it doesn't cost anything to ask. I just need to be happy in the knowledge that I won't always have the answers & neither will anyone else.

Doctors have been "buying time" with me for years, almost 9 now & from being told at 18 that I would never conceive to now being given that chance has flipped the odds in my favor.

I certainly was in no way prepared at 18 to consider having a child, nor did I want to at that time. I was in college, looking forward to my career & so forth & was convinced that it wasn't the choice for me.

Now however, it's a different kettle of fish as it was two years ago when I had that moment where I though I could be pregnant but obviously it turned out to be a falsehood. That started us on our journey, asking questions having tests & so forth. Going off & trying the natural root with a little apprehension because of the past comments by Medical Professionals. But it hasn't stopped us. The Endo is always somewhere in our minds but honestly it doesn't "control" me anymore.

It's been difficult at times to not let it constantly get in the way and of course there are days, hours, minutes where all of my positive thoughts go out the window with the pain I'm in but I know there's got to be an end goal. There's always something I can do to be proactive about this disease whether it's talking about it, writing about it, accepting treatments, medical, natural or otherwise.

If you can keep finding a way to move forward you'll get there eventually. It's like a marathon-pace yourself.