Can it ever be normal?

For the past few days I've been having a "normal" period to give myself a break from the hormones and the Cyklkokapron. In theory it sounded fantastic. Oh my body will have to readjust. Some magical Endo fairies perhaps will have come along and made it all better. I'd like to say I was drunk when I had my profound idea but no, I was in my full senses. What on Earth was I thinking?

I already have pain with the medication I'm on so it seems a little bit Sado-Massicist to want this pain right? That's not what I was going for at all. For so long now I have just been thinking and thinking (in case you're not getting exactly how messed up my head is over this) thinking about ways to allow my body to naturally have a cycle again. You see from all of the treatments I have been on over the years it's knocked me completely out of whack and I am a great believer in "Natural Remedies".

I know, go ahead laugh. Because at times we have no choice but to take these scary GNrH Analogues or have surgery and it's all not very natural. I mean to say given a choice I would lean towards alternative remedies such as herbs, homepathic, TCM and Acupuncture but I do admit that sometimes you have no choice but to go to the hospital as the pain and situation are both too great for you to be waiting to see if a remedy will work.


Thursday and Friday of this week have been my absolute worst. There has been tearing, shredding and back wrenching pain so familiar and yet also new. The boyfriend grows concerned when he sees me in pain like this. Over the years we all become masters at hiding out pain but it does show in the eyes.

I am hyper-anaemic and therefore I get very dark cicrcles under my eyes when Im losing a lot, a sign which doesn't go unnoticed. Then there's the fact that he can just see through me so when he asks I'll give an honest answer.

I've been wondering if there ever will be a pattern I can hold too, some sense of normality or will I just have to keep waiting and wondering when the next haemorrage is going to occur, never knowing if I'm ovulating because 1. My Doctor's can never pinpoint on my blood tests the right time of the month 2. They're not keen to do anymore surgery as they want to preserve my fertility 3. The fertility clinic wont look at me until the Gynae Clinic remove the Endo and get a handle on things there.

I'm in a vicious cycle alright, only there are two puppetmaster's in this show and I think it's time I cut the strings.

Love to my Endo Sister's
XxxxxX

Midweek rant

Feeling somewhat frustrated on Tuesday afternoon trying to make my way through a very busy City Centre in hail, rain and shine (this is Spring in Ireland lads) I felt the familiar twins of a cyst twisting on my ovary, pinching me, building pressure and taking my very breath away. I can be as stubborn as a mule at times so I won't given and sit down when I feel that pain although this could also be due to the fact that I would consider myself to have a lot of inner strength (I'm the year of the Ox, might have something to do with it?). I did however pull my snood up over my nose, take some deep calming breaths and did my best not to publicly break down crying. Would have been mildly embarrassing. This was the first incident the boyfriend has actually witnessed and to give him the credit he's due he didn't freak or overly fuss. It can be incredibly difficult for people to get that balance just right but I think he managed it ok. I got through the initial waves a pain and spasms and it wasn't until later that evening that the cyst finally burst. I am prone to fluid-filled cysts and have been to A&E a few times because of them.
(If you have any signs of symptoms of cysts you should present to your Doctor of Hospital)
I get these quite regularly and some are worse than others but it's amazing how much pain we can actually handle. So, when I stumbled upon this graphic during the week I found it incredibly apt and I just thought it sums up alot of the time how women say to me they feel.

We'd love to say "up yours" to Endo, to our uterus, to our tubes, ovaries, wombs, colons, appendices and any other part that aches and gives us terribly unbearable pain. This should be put on a t-shirt. It's eye-catching enough to get people talking anyway.

On Monday I began taking Cyklokapron. It's something I do not like to rely on or have to use but it's time as I've been suffering with menorrhagia again. That and Primolut have become the only two "solutions" for me. According to my Specialist they need to be as conservative as possible with their approach. They must try to preserve my fertility and apparently there are only so many times they can "rotate" the ovaries.

Everytime I attend the hospital I see a different member of the team with a different viewpoint, a trying to make a name for themselves. When you're eighteen they want to operate and pump you full of drugs and hormones and damn the long term effects but ten years later when your chart is one of the biggest the have, when nothing's worked for you, when even the specialist has said "I dont know what to do with you" you feel like you have become a nuisance to them. You're now that black mark on their record.

Should it be this way? Of course not! But how does one person make that change?
By saying;

Stay strong my Sister's. Love you ladies XxxxX 

Mini Rant (not enough energy for a full one)

It's 20:00 here in Dublin, Ireland and to be quite honest I have been about as useful today as a butter knife to a T-bone. Since last night I've been in a considerable amount of pain which over the day has been exhausting every inch of me. At this very moment my back aches, my pelvis obviously, my thighs, shoulders evenot down to my ankles are sore. I feel like someone came in a kicked me around for a while without my knowledge. Or lije I'm being slowly squeezed out by thorns or wire of some sore. It's sharp, pointy evil shooting pain. This picture actually helps a little to describe it.

I know this may read like a massive whine and plead for sympathy but do not mistake me. When you feel like you have a dozen knives slicing through you and ten hands tearing you apart all while you try not to vomit, keep taking in fluids and cling onto your last bit of sanity so you don't pass out, the last thing you're looking for is someone staring at you with an "oh you poor thing" face. Girl power and all but ease.up a little lads.

I pledged to keep writing especially on the bad days when the pain is freshly in my mind so I'm afraid you're all getting it both barrels. There have been comments on my FB page of the same name as tjis blog saying some very supportive and sweet thisng's. One word that keeps cropping up however is "brave". It's not brave to show my face through this process. I think rather you, the reader, are the brave one, you don't know what you're about to witness or read. It's my goal to spread awareness about Endometriosis so we need to stop hiding and end the silence.

I am utterly shattered so I am going to bid you farewell for now and I'll update soon.