Can it ever be normal?

For the past few days I've been having a "normal" period to give myself a break from the hormones and the Cyklkokapron. In theory it sounded fantastic. Oh my body will have to readjust. Some magical Endo fairies perhaps will have come along and made it all better. I'd like to say I was drunk when I had my profound idea but no, I was in my full senses. What on Earth was I thinking?

I already have pain with the medication I'm on so it seems a little bit Sado-Massicist to want this pain right? That's not what I was going for at all. For so long now I have just been thinking and thinking (in case you're not getting exactly how messed up my head is over this) thinking about ways to allow my body to naturally have a cycle again. You see from all of the treatments I have been on over the years it's knocked me completely out of whack and I am a great believer in "Natural Remedies".

I know, go ahead laugh. Because at times we have no choice but to take these scary GNrH Analogues or have surgery and it's all not very natural. I mean to say given a choice I would lean towards alternative remedies such as herbs, homepathic, TCM and Acupuncture but I do admit that sometimes you have no choice but to go to the hospital as the pain and situation are both too great for you to be waiting to see if a remedy will work.


Thursday and Friday of this week have been my absolute worst. There has been tearing, shredding and back wrenching pain so familiar and yet also new. The boyfriend grows concerned when he sees me in pain like this. Over the years we all become masters at hiding out pain but it does show in the eyes.

I am hyper-anaemic and therefore I get very dark cicrcles under my eyes when Im losing a lot, a sign which doesn't go unnoticed. Then there's the fact that he can just see through me so when he asks I'll give an honest answer.

I've been wondering if there ever will be a pattern I can hold too, some sense of normality or will I just have to keep waiting and wondering when the next haemorrage is going to occur, never knowing if I'm ovulating because 1. My Doctor's can never pinpoint on my blood tests the right time of the month 2. They're not keen to do anymore surgery as they want to preserve my fertility 3. The fertility clinic wont look at me until the Gynae Clinic remove the Endo and get a handle on things there.

I'm in a vicious cycle alright, only there are two puppetmaster's in this show and I think it's time I cut the strings.

Love to my Endo Sister's
XxxxxX