Keeping faith

4:10 a.m Sunday morning. I'm woken from a deep sleep by pain. I immediately stumble into the kitchen to fill up my hot water bottle, mental note really need to get a new heat pad. Groggy and uncomfortable I try to decide whether I should try to occupy myself with a movie because I know I'm not going to get back to sleep. I take my painkiller's hoping they will take the edge off and decide to climb back into bed and read my latest JD. Robb on my Kindle app to distract myself. I manage little cat naps, dozing on and off until the heat is gone and I need to refill. It's approaching 8:00 a.m when  I finally manage to drift off and I get a few hours rest. 

infertility.about.com

I decide that I need to get out though and push through the pain. Secured with my painkillers in my bag, my remedy I have been taking which is of more use than most pills I've been prescribed I go to visit my Mum and have a lovely afternoon with her. My pain is mainly centred on my left side, around my left ovary. It's the more active spot and there are times I would love to have a camera to hand to see what's actually going on. I know, you're thinking that I should go and have a lap done but it's not really that simple in my situation. From what I've been told they (Doctor's) can only roatate the ovaries so much before they become damaged plus with stage IV they know it's going to just grow back so they are only willing to operate if I want to conceive straight away.

More and more I have begun to establish my own faith. I trust in my belief's and when I'm at my worst I'm finding out more and more that that's what's getting me through. To know that it wont always be this way, that there are good days and bad and to know that I have to love and understanding of my family and friends is something I need to show more apprecaition for. Recently I got so bogged down in my own thoughts. I allowed my fears and old issues to overwhelm me and instead of talking I tried to shut the world out and "fix" myself. When you have a chronic illness you feel as if you are always giving out or moaning that there is something wrong with you and then on top of that for your mental health to suffer well let's just say I became consumed in sorting myself out and making myself a better person that to the people on the outside it seemed as if I was trying to cut them out of my life. 

As a human I know I'll make mistakes and learning that it's ok but not to hurt people on the way. I have no problem in apologising for my actions and the things I have said and done that have affected certain relationships. I will just try my best each day and keep talking so my thoughts don't get out of control again. Dealing with this is one thing. I know it's never going to go away but I need to make the best out of my situation. 

www.experienceproject.com

Today I am having a very bad flare up. I've my study materials beside me as well as my copy of "Human Chain" by Seamus Heaney. I'm not going to let this pain win. I collapsed while cleansing my spare room with Frankinscence but a slight graze on my hand is nothing to worry about. I will not take this lying down. I will however respect my limitations when I'm in this amount of pain and trust me I'm not likely to climb a ladder or do any heavy lifting today. But there are things I can do. I can stay positive. This is only temporary. I can enjoy my book, study and write. It's all about perspective and faith. I will light my candles and cast my spells and that too shall bring me comfort. 

One day I hope I will find a solution, a compromise where I have a quality of life, where I don't have so many bad days, where my body feels like my own again and where my dreams can be put into action. Until that day comes I will keep my faith. 

Hope you lovely ladies are all keeping well. 

XxxX

Lack of Respect? Decide for yourself.

Late last night a friend drew my attention to this article and asked me a very interesting question. Why is it that people don't show more compassion for Women with Endometriosis?

My first reaction was that they don't understand. A lack of awareness perhaps. If it's not happening to them then they're obviously not thinking about what it could be like for someone else.


He then came back with the argument that people show compassion for many other illnesses even though they may not have experience with them so what makes this so elusive, so hard to wrap your head around. Why is it that when most people hear that you have Endo and you begin to explain what that entails that the reaction is "oh, so it's just like  a bad period then?"



According to Dr. Zorba Paster it's due to a lack of respect. Read here for yourselves his perspective oon why there needs to be more understanding for this chronic illness.

http://host.madison.com/news/local/ask/dr-paster/dr-zorba-paster-endometriosis-symptoms-aren-t-in-your-head/article_c71461ce-8439-5f7a-bc3c-0e2188e46124.html

Rambling and a thank you!

Back in the saddle, so to speak. I've been very overcome with emotions this week. From good to bad, happy to sad. It's been quite the rollercoaster but I think I have, mostly a handle on myself. Old anxieties have crept up from the crevices of my mental filing system to test me once again. Although my legs have been like jelly, my hands shaking uncontrollably I've got through these recent bouts of panic. My Endo seems to have settled again which is great cause for happiness. It really does feel as if my body is fighting back to regulate as much as possible and after all these years of treatments and side effects I am absolutely thrilled to have some sense of normailty. I have been using some relaxation techninques I've learned over the past few years and also meditating.

Yesterday I was going through old paperwork, deciding what to keep and what needed to be thrown out. I stumbled upon a gag present of a giant lollipop that I know to be at least four years old. Unopened but still,  I was turning into a bit of a hoarder. So the clearing out and cleansing process was begun. There were a few minor stings, one in particular caught me by surprise. I stumbled upon a pair of booties I had bought some years ago. They are still in the bag with the receipt. It's strange the things you forget about and yet the effect they can have on you when you find them. It got me thinking. I'm not where I thought I would be at twenty-eight but I'm not doing badly either.

The past two weeks I have been really unwell. I had quite a bad chest infection and was on antibiotics plus the Endo flare. I then had three cysts burst on my left ovary. It completely drained me of all energy. I couldn't concentrate on studying. The information was out of my head the moment I read it, nor could I go out because I physically couldn't move due to the pain. I fell twice. The first time I got a nice whollop on my cheekbone, thanks to Arnica cream and tablets though I didn't bruise and the redness is pretty much gone now. The second time I just grazed my hand but my head took a nice bang. Other than that I've been doing as I was told. Heavy bleeding=elevated legs=plenty of fluid=iron=rest. The formula the hospital always drilled into me. When you have chronic pain like this some days are inevitablly worse than others.

It got me thinking of the whirlwind this year has been so far. I look at the calendar and wonder where the months have gone. I'm at a completely different place than I would have thought even six months ago physically and mentally. It's been like coming up for air (corny, but it's the only way I can think of explaining it). I've been through some changese and since this year's Endo March I've found greater support and understanding and have reached many more people with this blog than I ever thought possible. I think really what I'm trying to say is that I am grateful. For every one of you who read this, whether you've been with me from the start or have just begun the journey yourself. For my very understanding family and friends, my Mum and Bobi especially. For my boyfriend, who from the beginning, when we were just friends would read my blog and has never made an issue of my Endo. I know I f**k up sometimes. I can be an awful scatterbrain. I get overwhelmed by emotions and sometimes zone out into my own thoughts.

I have weaknesses, flaws and I'm going to make more mistakes long before I'm through here but I am grateful for the wisdom I have gained through each life experience. My tastes have changed of course. I'm learning each day and will never know enough to satisfy myself. I have promised myself though to make the most of each good day because you never know what tomorrow will bring. I feel spiritually I am finding my centre, a place where I feel connected and at ease with my beliefs. My curiousity leads me to seek out answers that most likely aren't available to me and yet I'll still look. It's about the adventure. A wise woman in the form of my Mum has a saying "what's for you won't pass you". It's become something of a motto for life really and it's a nice positive way of thinking about things.

#1 after Primolut (Warning, bad Endo face)

I'm glad I made the most of my painfree time. Because here comes the flare up and the pain.

So I've just started my first period since coming off Primolut. It was 27 days, not bad for me. I'll take that all day but it's still early days yet. The first day which was the 19th wasn't too bad pain wise. I was in pain but I still manage to leave the apartment and spend a lovely afternoon with my Mum and Sister. That evening though I began to feel very uncomfortable,  too hot, legs were cramping and I knew I needed to get home.

The night of the 19th was horrible. The pain kept me awake. It felt like both ovaries were being pulled, stretched and twisted. The bleeding as usual is heavy, a lot of black clots which sometimes are painful to pass. I was exhausted yesterday. Literally had to crawl to the bathroom I was in that much pain. What worries me is the painkillers I am on aren't doing anything. I'm not getting any relief this time. I tried having a bath, it just irritated me more. Tried breathing exercises for the waves of muscle contractions and this was somewhat helpful. It helped to focus on my breathing to get me through those intense bouts. Like a ripple crossing my pelvis, the contractions come and go but are so extreme they have made me collapse and cry out with pain.

I also tried meditating, just clearing my mind and using some relaxation techniques I have learned. It was like being interrupted by a demanding toddler. The pain wants my attention all of the time.

I'm thinking I may try the Castor Oil Packs. In this weather keeping a heat pad on its so difficult. You run the risk of dehydration if you're not careful :-) Plus with the hot water bottle I accidentally burned my leg and it blistered. Don't want blisters on my stomach.

The boyfriend keeps telling me basically how he has no faith in the treatment here in Ireland and believes the only way for me to find relief is through surgery. He wishes strongly that I would visit his homeland and see Doctors there.

I'm not sure. I've reached my limit with Doctors to be honest. Treatments that haven't worked and now feeling like my only option is progesterone or nothing.

I'll look for an alternative thanks.

Hope you ladies are all hanging in there.
Love

XxxX