Personal Discovery

I'm aware that I can be a somewhat stubborn person. I can dig my heels in about an idea and refuse to give in or go along for peace sake. So I do not enter into situations lightly. I like to assess, carefully calculate any risks, know my opponent/s and gave all the information to hand so to speak. This has mainly been my approach with fighting Endo. To learn as much as I can, to study and listen to my body, keeping a journal of important information for my Doctor's so we can attack the situation. It's proved very useful over the years but has maybe leaked into other aspects of my life and it's only recently that I've realised this about myself.

There are certain social situations that have occurred lately and to be honest for once I've not immediately known how to react. I've had to go off the cuff. It's surprising to me because I've dealt with some fairly complex situations and logic has always been my companion. Chemistry and biology it seems now is my challenger. I have built up a wall, an invisible, theoretical wall but a shield nonetheless. Here's the thing. My filter is wobbly. I'm ready to deflect comments straight away, make light of situations or do anything that involves my not actually having to answer a personal question. Comedy and sarcasm are two ways I respond in many situations. Other than than I can get lost inside my head.

Here's the other thing. My charming, handsome man I've been dating is incredibly different from other people I've known. There's a strange sense of coincidence's and without meaning to we share similar thought patterns and beliefs. It's a statistical anomaly for the scientific minds and a happy coincidence for the wishful thinkers. But for those of us who have a deeper spiritual connection we may find something else is at play here. Something you can't control.

You don't necessarily want to yet part of you wants in on the plan. Whatever it is, I know I don't stop smiling when he's around and he's already charmed my Sis and Mum, says incredibly sweet things, thinks of the minutest detail that let's you know you've been thought about, makes me feel really comfortable and I'm almost waiting for someone to call "cut!". It's crazy, ridiculous and slightly mad.

But one must try to keep a level head here. I'm not the swoon over the guy type. I'm also not usually this frank about discussing any matters that may fringe near my "lub dub machine" but there we go. 

To continue my ramblings,  I can literally count on each hand the people in my life who I would consider to actually "know me", the real me, the one without the shield, free from constraints of sarcastic deflectation. I'm ok with that. I trust those people and yet even with them sometimes my guard will go up. (Yes, I'm truly aware the issue is within myself and I'm a work in progress so no need to point it out.) 

He wants to know more and more about me and for once I am not hesitant to share my secrets.  To say I feel bare when he looks at me is an understatement. To quote James Cameron, it's like a scene from Avatar, he's actually said; "I see you" and I know he's not referring simply to my physical being. I also know it's not simply just a physical attraction. 

My thoughts are jumbled. I know I'm a culprit of overthinking but I need to get a grip here. I'm like an open book at the minute and I'm unsure whether to reign it in or let my mind run wild and free. Just let go a little bit, loosen these constraints I've held over myself for so long.

I'm on the edge of that cliff, the hand is being held out for me. Do I grab hold and jump? I guess I'll find out soon enough.

Love you guys XxxxX